Here, said Jim, pointing pipeward. It all goes in here. Jim was pointing at a very large metal pipe in our town’s water treatment plant. It was by far the largest pipe in a room full of large pipes. He rapped the side of it with his knuckles, and the low sound reverberated throughout the cavernous, pipe-filled space. Now that’s a pipe, said Jim, rapping it again. Now that’s a goddamn pipe. But then  where does it go? I asked. What now? said Jim. Where does all the sadness go

Agnes was practicing her calligraphy. I said it was strange to do so considering all the alien spaceships in the sky. Agnes said, What are we supposed to do? Cry about it? I said, Well, no, but widespread panic might be in order. I pointed out the window. See? I said. See how they run? Maybe we should be out there running, too. Yeah, said Agnes, but where to? Where do those people think they’re going? Agnes made a very handsome curlicue with her fountain pen. I had to admit s

If you enroll in the “Learn How to Pretend to Know How to Play Guitar” class at the YMCA and, in the process, actually learn  a thing or two about how to play guitar, the instructor will get very cross with you. OK, shit, that’s not  what this class is about, they will say. Look, hotshot, do you want to learn how to play guitar? Like, for real? Do you really  want to learn? If so, Brian Carrava’s “Learn How to Actually Play Guitar” class is right down the goddamn hall. Right

It was the building of a button factory that begat all the rest. That was back in, oh, aught-nine, I believe. Soon after the button factory went online, a zipper factory cropped up, followed by a belt factory. A rubber band factory was not so far behind. The production of velcro and twist ties ramped up accordingly. A factory that made both staples and pushpins was soon erected on the outskirts of town. Next, in rapid succession, were machines that made cuff links, laces, lat

She became known as the painting astronaut. When in space, she would paint the Earth and sometimes the moon. The media was fascinated with her. What do you think the painting astronaut is up to right now, Lydia? they would say on our favorite morning news show. Well, let’s take a peek inside the capsule and find out, Paul. My bet is she’s painting! The painting astronaut had an easel and a canvas set up in the cockpit. A palette. All her paints. A smock as well as a replaceme

Today at work it was How Many to Overwhelm Day. I made sure to stretch and to not weigh myself down with too many pancakes. The idea behind How Many to Overwhelm Day was that through a series of simulated (in quotes) fisticuffs, the minimum number of attackers required to overwhelm each employee was determined. The resulting HMtO values would, in turn, be used to create an employee seating chart that would offer the most robust defense against multiple attackers. For instance

Sam looked at the app store and felt sick. There were so many apps. Every app had already been made. There were no more apps to make. Some of Sam’s friends had gotten rich off the apps they’d made, and millions of other people rushed in to make their own apps. The app space had become fully saturated. Now there were apps that made other apps. There were even apps that made apps that made other apps, as stupid as that sounds. And much of it was  very stupid. Now AI was making

This is what it felt like to walk among the trees, a light breeze blowing through your hair, they said. They gathered around Sam, whose suit was ill-fitting but presentable. Some of them stood stock-still, arms out at a variety of jaunty angles, their many fingers splayed. They were the trees. They were weeping and they were tall and mighty and they were the trees. Were they arboreal? Yes. Others moved close to Sam, very close. They positioned themselves so that they were nea

Paul had an idea for a new art installation called “Man Perpetually Falling Down Stairs.” He’d come up with the concept last Tuesday when...

Three little pigs lived by the sea. You know how this goes. The first little pig built its house of lumber. The second little pig built...

Whenever the bluebird of befuddlement lit upon our little backyard feeder, we found ourselves without much in the way of coherent speech....

He sometimes confused torsion  and tension . Climatic  and climactic . Centripetal  and centrifugal . Corporal  and corporeal . Viscous...

I can’t say I truly believed that Brian’s dead father was speaking to him through the napkin dispenser at Cattle Mutilations. But Brian...

We’ve lost the plot. It happens. Plots get lost all the time; it’s not that unusual. But no one around here seems to have any idea how it...

In the hills, in the high and distant hills, they’d hit a big pothole and blown out a tire. No spare. Now what? he said. They sat for a...

The music was sad, so obviously we were supposed to make this whole scene sad. But the problem? We didn’t feel sad. Like, at all. Quite...

A solar flare  today, said the newscaster, who then said nothing else. The newscaster stared blankly into the camera. The staring went on...

Cheryl and I did this thing where she’d hand me a beverage that she’d prepared, I’d take a big drink, and then, a few seconds later,...

Everything has a cost  was his line. His one  line. Was it a great line? No. It was an OK line, perfectly respectable, nothing special....

The Mars rover had collected some Martian rocks and brought them back to Earth. Five rocks, all five of them 100% from Mars. But the...