How Many to Overwhelm

Today at work it was How Many to Overwhelm Day. I made sure to stretch and to not weigh myself down with too many pancakes. The idea behind How Many to Overwhelm Day was that through a series of simulated (in quotes) fisticuffs, the minimum number of attackers required to overwhelm each employee was determined. The resulting HMtO values would, in turn, be used to create an employee seating chart that would offer the most robust defense against multiple attackers.

For instance, let’s say two employees each had an HMtO value of 4. That means four reasonably capable attackers could eventually overwhelm each employee, but they could each handle one, two, or even three violent intruders. Seated side by side, these two gladiators could take care of six swarming attackers, maybe even seven on a good day.

Depending on the layout of the room, you might want to put these two real-life John Wicks near the entrance. Or you might want to put one near the entrance and the other on the far side of the room, to protect the 1s and 2s.

In any case, because of the high employee turnover, we were required to participate in How Many to Overwhelm Day once a year.

Last year, I had a HMtO value of 2, which honestly wasn’t that impressive compared with some of the karate masters and UFC aficionados among the staff, but I was proud of my 2. I felt good about my 2. I held up my 2 as a badge of honor. We all got plaques with our HMtQ values on them, and I proudly displayed my 2 on my desk, whereas some of the other 2s and most of the 1s tended to rotate their plaques so that their numbers weren’t readily apparent to passersby. This was a clear violation of company policy, but I understood their motivation. Their embarrassment, however misplaced it was.

If you refused to participate in How Many to Overwhelm Day (which you could totally do), you were assigned an automatic HMtO value of 0. A score of 0 didn’t even make any sense: what, you could be overwhelmed by the mere thought of a single intruder? By a puff of foreboding wind, by the scent reminiscent of ne’er-do-well?

The threat of being awarded a 0 was, of course, meant to shame everyone into being an active participant in How Many to Overwhelm Day. It worked on me. But the threat didn’t work on everyone: we had a handful of 0s among us.

As a 2, I had been seated right next to a 0. I guess so I could defend him if need be? His name was Charlie. At least that’s what his name tag said.

Hey…Charlie, I said, glancing at his chest.

Hey…Steve, Charlie said. I guess you’re supposed to be my protector?

I’m a solid 2, I said, standing up and doing a little shadow boxing. More like a 2.5, if I’m being honest.

Wow, Charlie said.

Charlie and I were fast friends. We occasionally met for dinner and went to movies together. I never had to defend Charlie against corporate attackers, thank goodness. And now a new How Many to Overwhelm Day was upon us.

Once again, Charlie opted to sit this one out. He went straight to the chips and guac room, with the other zeroes.

I waited my turn in the lobby. I watched fellow employees walk out of the testing chamber bloodied and battered. Cherly from Accounting came out limping badly.

Four! she said as she walked past me. She smiled and gave me a thumbs-up. One of her front teeth was missing.

No shit, I said.

I watched her drag herself into Rest & Recovery.

Charlie Atkins! boomed a voice from inside. You’re up, Charlie.

I had already girded my loins, but I regirded them for good measure. I walked in and closed the door behind me.