Man Perpetually Falling Down Stairs

Paul had an idea for a new art installation called “Man Perpetually Falling Down Stairs.” He’d come up with the concept last Tuesday when he fell down some stairs in a parking garage and then, later that same day, fell down the particularly long set of stairs in front of the museum of modern art. At the bottom of the stairs, after the Channel 5 news crew had finished filming, he wondered what it would be like to do that perpetually. To fall forever. Wouldn’t such an exhibit be the perfect encapsulation of the human condition? So he met with an engineer at a coffee shop in downtown Champaign to talk about it.

The engineer, after she’d gotten her coffee, sat down at their little table and said, “OK, so what you’re wanting to do is fall down some stairs perpetually.”

“Yes,” said Paul. “Yes, that’s it exactly.”

The engineer sketched a staircase on a napkin with a mechanical pencil. Then she drew a little stick figure falling down the stairs.

“Just like that,” said Paul. “But perpetually.”

The engineer nodded.

“Maybe it could be a really, really tall staircase,” said Paul. “One that goes all the way up into the…ionosphere or something.”

The engineer shook her head.

“Or I could do it in space?” said Paul. “In space, I could just keep falling, right? Like while I’m in orbit? The staircase could be in space?”

The engineer shook her head again.

“This is easy,” she said. “This is an easy problem to solve.”

“Wonderful!” said Paul.

Paul looked around the coffee shop. He’d said, “Wonderful!” so loudly. He noticed that a few patrons were looking in his direction. He smiled at them in turn, his face reddening.

“Wonderful,” he said again, more subdued this time.

“Basically, we build an escalator whose upward speed is identical to your own downward speed of falling,” said the engineer. “It’s a pretty simple physics problem. Coefficient of friction of the escalator material versus horizontal surface area of each step versus acceleration due to gravity, with negligible air resistance. We put in the correct values for those variables, and you could fall down that thing all day and all night, pal—forever, if that’s your goal.”

“Perpetually,” said Paul.

“You like saying perpetually,” said the engineer.

“I don’t mind it,” he said. “I don’t mind it one bit.”

The engineer nodded.

“I could get started building this escalator today,” she said.

“Great!” Paul said, and then he looked nervously around the coffee shop.

“Let’s get your speed of falling,” said the engineer.

After they finished their coffee, they walked over to the museum of modern art.

“We meet again,” said Paul to the staircase.