The Horston Promise

Three little pigs lived by the sea. You know how this goes. The first little pig built its house of lumber. The second little pig built its house of brick. And the third little pig built its house of Horston brand synthetic polyethylene planks.

Totally waterproof, said the third pig as the other two pigs admired the fit and finish of the Horston brand synthetic polyethylene planks. Tsunami-resistant. And, crucially, wolf-resistant.

Nice, said the first pig.

It feels weird, said the second pig, running its front right hoof over one of the Horston brand synthetic polyethylene planks on the southern wall.

That’s the petroleum, said the third pig. That’s the secret sauce.

Doesn’t sound very environmentally friendly, said the second pig.

These Horston brand synthetic polyethylene planks will outlive us all, said the third pig. They will outlive all the pigs and all the wolves. They will never rot. They will never break down. They are here for the long haul. That’s the Horston promise.

The skin on my face feels like it’s burning, said the first pig.

That’s because you’re standing too close to the planks, said the third pig. Your face is too close. You should always maintain a distance of at least two feet from the planks.

You could have told us that when we first came over, said the first pig, who frantically splashed water from a nearby trough onto its scalded face.

I didn’t think I had to, said the third pig. I didn’t think you would put your face right up to the planks like that. Who does that?

I was trying to see the grain, said the first pig.

There is no grain in Horston brand synthetic polyethylene planks, said the third pig. That’s the Horston promise.

I thought the other thing you said was their promise, said the second pig.

Horston makes a bunch of promises, said the third pig. And you know what? They keep their promises. Unlike some pigs I know.

I told you, said the second pig. I’ll get your VCR fixed. I just haven’t found anyone yet who knows how to do it. It’s a pretty specialized skill these days.

We live in remarkable times, said the first pig, whose face had broken out in terrible hives.

That we do, said the third pig. That we do.

Tell me this, said the second pig. What do you do if you want to hang a picture inside your house? You have to be close to the wall to do that.

No pictures, said the third pig. No posters. No fucking sconces neither. That’s the Horston promise.