These New Robot Jugglers

Jugglers thought they were safe. They were supremely confident about that, as only jugglers can be.

“Who wants to see a robot juggle anyway?” was what the jugglers all said in their own way, probably while juggling, because juggling was the thing that was…which…gave them so much joy.

But these new robot jugglers…wow. Just wow. Have you seen them? Wow.

These new robot jugglers can juggle so many things. Human jugglers can juggle a lot of things, too, but there is a limit to the number of things a human can juggle. Humans have pretty serious physical constraints, the fact of having just two arms being one of them. An expert human juggler can juggle ten things, no problem. Once you get past twelve or thirteen things, though, a human juggler is going to experience considerable difficulty. Twelve or thirteen things is a lot of things; there’s just no getting around that. Human arms and hands can only move so fast. Pretty soon the laws of physics and the fact of having just two arms are going to catch up to the human juggler, and the twelve-plus things that were previously airborne and moving in a tight circle around the juggler’s head are going to fall to earth, leaving the human juggler standing there on the stage all shame-faced and effectively de-pantsed. But a robot juggler can just keep going.

Fifteen things. Twenty things. Thirty things. It doesn’t matter. Thirty-five things? Why the fuck not. The robot juggler can just keep sprouting new arms and hands, as many as needed. Its metal limbs can move so fast. It can adjust for sudden shifts in wind, minuscule changes in humidity. The robot juggler doesn’t get tired. The robot juggler can adapt to any new situation, like rain or punches.

The robot juggler does not fear death and is not frightened by a shadow on the bedroom wall that looks like a man in a hat.

“I bet that robot can’t juggle forty things,” an audience member at a recent performance was heard to say, right before he was forced to eat his fucking words.

What was maybe most surprising about these new robot jugglers was how quickly they appeared on the scene. Many experts predicted that the robots would take jobs from computer coders right off the bat, and that is precisely what happened. Millions of coders suddenly found themselves out of work. But the jugglers were next. It went coders and then jugglers. No one saw that coming.

All eighteen professional U.S. jugglers met over Zoom on a recent Friday night. Friday nights used to be their big juggling nights, but gigs were hard to secure now that these new robot jugglers were putting on free shows all over the country. All attendees at these free robot juggling shows had to do was sign over lifetime rights to all their personal information, which was no sweat because they’d already done so by merely looking at the poster for the event, according to the fine print at the bottom of the poster.

“These new robot jugglers, man,” said a human juggler from Boston on the Friday night Zoom call. “I hate these new robot jugglers.”

“Why us?” said a human juggler from Sante Fe. “Why jugglers?”

Deep within the bowels of the OpenAI compound just outside of Dallas, Sam Altman picked up four eggs and tried to juggle them. One by one by one by one they splattered on the pristine white floor.